May 2010: back on the wagon

Goodness. It's been a whole year. There's a story in there, but it'll take a while to tell and right now is not the time to tell it. It's complicated, it spins out in all directions and I've tried to tame it, but it's unwieldy. I'll have to spend time organising my thoughts before I post them here.

So for now, this stands as an introduction to the food diary I'll be posting for reference for when I'm somewhere along the path and need to remind myself.

The regime:

For the past few days I've added in extra fruit, swapped cooked dinner for raw and tried very hard (succeeded so far!) to avoid snacks.

For the next few weeks I'm on a high-raw regime, loose enough that it doesn't restrict me and make it feel too hard to stick to, but with some guidelines to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Daily intake:

fresh juice

green smoothie

whole fruit

raw lunch and raw dinner

Treats: coffee with non-dairy milk, dried fruit/nuts to snack on, glass of wine with dinner.

Restrictions: No wheat. Minimal dairy.

Allowances: comfort food and cooked food, such as baked sweet potato or homemade soup, couple of times a week at most.

Upgrade: replace meals with green smoothies.

I intend to "upgrade" after a week perhaps, then again a week or so later, until I've cut right back, got all wheat, dairy and coffee out of my system.

Why blog?

One of the reasons I've written this down and put it out there is to have some accountability. I've tried to take on this regime several times in the past few months and it's failed. I've had one too many treats and allowed the cooked food on my plate to take over the raw. I've looked at the juicer and the thought of cleaning it afterwards makes me turn away from making juice. I've got home to a fridge of uninspiring vegetables and preferred to cook them with some olive oil and garlic. Whatever my hidden reasons (and reams has already been written on why we fail to stick to a raw diet) it's just no good. I can't keep doing this. So, written down, in a dusty corner of the Internet, is my commitment. You can call me on it.

Why bother?

I'm at my best on a raw diet. Eating cooked food - and a generally healthier diet than most - I get ill frequently. Then I get fed up of being ill. Then I do this, go back to raw food. Seems like a never-ending cycle. My dream is to stick to a mostly raw diet for a year, because I think if I can make it through winter, family crises and holidays then I've got past most of the hurdles. And if I can do it for a whole year, I can do it for many years. And the thought of being slim, fit, healthy, glowing, full of energy - which is what I would achieve after a year on raw food - is such a huge shining light of a goal.

spring clean

It's funny how things come together.

I've felt pulled towards lightening up my diet, getting some juices in, generally feeling like it's time to shake off the winter stodge.  I am pulled towards heavier foods and eat lots of hot food in winter.  As winter progresses I seem to erode all my good intentions and end up eating 100% cooked food. Of late I've turned to coffee to keep me awake and when that turned into a daily habit, accompanied more often than not by a slice of cake, that's when I knew it was time to slam the brakes on!

It seems that the rest of the raw world is feeling the same way. I do think it's a Spring thing. Over winter you store fat to keep you alive through times of scarcity. Come Spring it's extra, weighing you down, slowing you down, and you need rid of it. So around the globe people are cleansing through juices, smoothies, whatever feels right for where they are on their journey and what their body needs right now.

I've decided on a week of green smoothies and juices followed by just juice for the rest of the month of March. I'm open to continuing the juicefeast after that, but I'll play it by ear.

YummyHubby is joining in at least some. He may still have solids for lunch, but will have juices and smoothies with me at home.

We're about to move house, so being able to pack up the kitchen already, bar the juicing and smoothie-making equipment, will definitely make things easier! Our usual glass of wine to "christen" a new home that we move to will be replaced by a tall glass of OJ :)

goals, facts and figures:

I got on the scales this morning for the first time in months and was horrified to see that I've gained 20 pounds since last summer. The way my clothes fit backs this up, though. Everything's feeling a little snug. The smaller size I'd moved into last year has been relegated and the year before's jeans are back at the front of the wardrobe. Damn shame.

I've had some kind of eczema on my hand for a few weeks. It got very sore a while back starting to crack and bleed It's the worst I've ever had it. The natural remedies I tried didn't work, and the prescription cream I got hasn't fixed it either, so I'm hoping this juicefeast will work.

I stopped taking my twice-daily asthma medication Autumn last year, and now I carry, but don't need to use, a reliever. Of late I've felt I might need to start using it from time to time, so there's another reason to heal myself.

And last but not least I've had a lot of phlegm and mucous build up over winter. I cough a lot and have blocked sinuses. I want to clear of that out.

So that's where I'm starting from. Four specific things to tackle and an overall goal of feeling better, having mental clarity, physical energy, clearer skin. Man I love the results of juicefeasting. It's tough. Anyone who's tried it knows that. But the benefits are glorious.

BRING IT ON!

tools

Despite cooked dinner on Thursday, as we were out straight from work (YummyHubby was in a race) I managed to get back onto my smoothie and raw salad lunch the next day with no problems. Hurray!

Though I had a fair bit of cooked or not-so-ideal food over the weekend, once again, today it's back to green smoothie and juice before noon and big salad for lunch. I find by about Thursday things destabilise. The foods I'd prepared, or started dehydrating, during the previous weekend have run out and I don't have that 'off the top of my head' idea. Suddenly eating out/take away sounds like a good idea. So I've taken to leaving a couple of raw recipe books around the place so I can find inspiration easily.

I'm also following the sage advice of many raw food coaches and Deb's comment a few posts back: choose raw for the next meal. If that fails then let it go and try again next time. This is such a simple but effective tool. It pushes guilt out of the equation and brings a practical approach in.

I also did Karen Knowler's questionnaire at the weekend, also featured in the latest edition of Get Fresh! magazine. It's so helpful. Go try it out: What do you need to believe?

So that's 3 things added to my toolbox:
1: keep inspiration at hand
2: make the best choice you can *this* time
3: understand your motivation

it's all good

xxx

PS: yes, I've made an effort to capitalise. Whatever next, no smileys? ;)

that darn wagon and me

i hadn't intended to come back here to post, as this blog was purely for the juicefeast experience, but what i have to say is relevant. so here goes.

there are days when i feel like a fraud. i don't feel i can call myself a raw foodie when i just ate cooked food for the third time this week. so i feel the need to publicly state that i'm struggling to stay raw. again.

the battle with cooked food

i worked out part way through the juicefeast that drinking juice for 92 days wasn't going to stop my cooked food cravings. the juicefeast would give me time to explore my relationship with food and work out some of the pyschological hangups, but it wasn't going to be a miracle cure. but, you know, i was dealing with it. so far so good.

then i completed my juicefeast, calling it quits after just over two months, when i saw that my heart just wasn't in it and i was starting to pick at food. i eased myself back into eating, with lots of fresh fruit, salads, smoothies and a firm commitment to eating raw for health reasons. and let's not forget that amazing energy you have on a high raw diet.

falling off the wagon

but then we had house guests. and then there was a family get together. and then whatever other social occasion. and each time i thought "i'll just have a little cooked food today, to keep thing's easy" and fully, genuinely, intended to keep going that way. then somehow, it all fell apart. and now, two months later, i'm eating way too much cooked food. i eat mostly raw most days, but i also binge out on rubbish. in the past two months i've eaten ice-cream and crisps, of all things, and lots of not-that-great cooked food. it's crazy! but i'm not going to get myself in a mess over this. 

the all or nothing option

i read steve pavlina's update on eating raw and felt consoled. a slight aside here, i didn't know he'd continued to eat raw. i thought he'd done an experiment and then gone back to his usual diet. so i was quite impressed to wander back over to his blog and discover he's now pushing himself to stay 100% raw. anyway, the point is, that it's often easier to stick at 100% raw than to dither at 80% or do the"'i'll just eat this cooked food tonight because i'm eating out with friends but i'll be back to 100% raw tomorrow" thing. i guess that differs from person to person. i compare it to the casual smoker, or the innapropriately named 'social smoker'. some people can smoke like a chimney for the duration of a party night out then not touch a cigarette for months. yet the majority of people would be buying a packet of ciggies the next day because the nicotine had already got a stranglehold. cooked food is just as insidious. once the wheat starts to leave your body you get that sickness which you either ride out as detox or you cave in and have some more to appease the beast.

yo-yo side effects

i still eat plenty of fruit. i have green smoothies a couple of times a week and eat a big raw salad for lunch and dinner most days. but because of the inconsistency i don't feel as well as i should. i get lots of detox headaches after a cooked food 'binge' - especially wheat, i've found - and i'm putting on weight again. so it's time to rein in. i get so frustrated with the yo-yo-ing. i've read a few things recently which talk about falling off the wagon and they all come to the same conclusion. and it's something i know, inside, to be true. recognise you've fallen off. dust yourself down. get back on again. no guilt. no recriminations and no "if only"s. just get yourself a juice or a green smoothie and start planning a few days' worth of raw food.

so that's what's happening in the loulou household. we've got a week of juices, smoothies and salads coming up. i'm making some teriyaki almonds and we have a cupboard full of conscious chocolate, so i have treats available for those tricky moments.

wish me luck.

the week that was

hello all. so, some of you know, cos we're twitter buddies, and some of you don't know... i broke my juicefeast last weekend.

i'd had enough. i tried to explain myself to YummyHubby and the thing that i kept coming back to was that 'my heart's not in it' then went to look at the feastbreaking protocol on juicefeasting.com and what was the first reason to quit on their list? your heart's not in it (and you know you're going to eat something) so i'm sure it was the right thing to do. so i kind of feel rubbish because i didn't stay the course, but you know what, i juiced for an amazing 65 days, and the last 15 days were really tough, so i say 'go me!'

i broke the feast with the prunes - which i didn't enjoy so much. the first 5 or 6 were fine but i struggled to eat the whole 8oz. YummyHubby helped out by picking at a few and i left three in the bowl.

on my first fruit day i had a charentais melon for breakfast, which was divine, and the second day i made papaya whip (i love this: blend coconut meat, papaya, mango and passionfruit. eat. worship at the altar of tropical fruit) which is soooo decadent for breakfast. i love that.

my first salad meal was a soft green lettuce with a few bits of tiny chopped up pepper, tomatoes, spring onion. my alfalfa sprouts are still sprouting. not ready yet. i added half an avocado, thinking i'd need the fat for my crinkly skin but i ended up picking it out and leaving it as i really didn't want avocado. i've been all over the place all week. one minute craving salty things then the next thing tastes too salty. wanting fat then feeling sick, because i don't want fat. hmmm. i'm a bit out of whack and need sorting out. 

it's kind of disappointing that i'm tempted by some cooked stuff, too. ben's comment on my previous post is inspiring and yet doesn't seem to be working 100% for me. no, i don't want beer or curry(!) but cheese and, bizarrely, chargrilled artichokes are still tempting. i could say that perhaps if i'd stuck it for the remaining 27 days i might have dealt with the rest of the cravings but i think that's unhelpful conjecture and i'll spin it around and say that i know i will still have stuff to work through and deal with during my raw life. hell, even uber-raw karen knowler continues to up the ante with her raw lifestyle at regular intervals, so why should get a different paradigm? it's a spiral. onwards and upwards. cyclical and metamorphic. it's a journey i'm looking forward to.

when i knew i was going to quit the juicefeast i saved some juice pulp and i made some flax crackers. i split the 'dough' into two batches and added piles of fresh herbs to one half and to the other i added curry spices (a generous present from a house guest - i have an awesome collection of yummy fresh herb and spice blends.) i made the herb ones into thick rounds for pizza bases and the spicy ones for crackers. then i took a couple of crackers and some hummus to work for elevenses, which worked really well. i made a bruschetta topping for the pizzas and had them for dinner. yesterday i added a pile of rocket on top and then tonight i had a big green salad separately. it was tasty both times :)

i've got a few plans for food and i'm looking forward to making stuff. the optimism is there, which helps. i don't feel defeated at the thought of organisation and preparation. after a juicefeast, this is just a walk in the park.

i've been happy about not having to spend so long in the kitchen each morning. i've had a couple of lie-ins compared to the ridiculously early hour i got up at during the juicefeast. i've taken shopping bags to work and prepped a big lunch salad there, which only takes a few minutes, not like prepping and cleaning up after juice. this is all good :)

i'm trying to be more aware of the food as it goes into my mouth. the temptation to shove it down quickly is still there, so i need to get a handle on that. don't think i'll go quite as far as fletcherism, but i do need to concentrate, taste everything, and chew thoroughly before i swallow. i'm still learning.

oh, right, before i forget. those vital statistics. i wrote down my various measurements at the start but haven't measured myself since, so i'll do that tomorrow and let you all have the final weight loss and size loss figures. in non-specific terms we're talking substantial :)

top photo: pizza bases about to go in the dehyradator. they're slightly pink from beetroot. YummyHubby thought they looked like meat patties. gross. bottom photo: tonight's pizza. both taken by YummyHubby.

day 63: smells

the week after i started the juicefeast i also started a new job. my previous job was just under two miles away, so unless the weather was horrid i would walk to and from work (yes! great exercise!) with my iPod belting out, marching along, in my own little world.

then i started working in an office a train ride away and my life changed. i don't like commuting. i don't like people when they're squashed together on a train or a platform. pushing each other, standing in front of the doors so they can't get on and those who want to get off struggle to do so. it's so counterintuitive, the whole thing. horrendous. anyway. i'm here to talk smells.

so i'd walk up to the station with the smell of damp pavements, the odd waft of cigarette smoke from someone walking ahead of me and then i'd head into the station and be assaulted by the overpowering smell of bacon sandwiches from the on-platform cafe. i swear they just leave a bit of rind burning all the time, hoping to entice people to buy a sarnie because i have yet to see anyone actually eating one. so on the train we get and then off at the other end... where it gets much worse. there's the roasting coffee and the sweet, caramel aroma of danish pastries. and onwards i go, hauling 2 litres of juice in my bag, shoulders groaning.

on the way home i pass two indian restaurants (my favourite comfort food) and then back at the station the smell of various south african meats hits me first, and the coffee and pastries have been displaced by the strong smell of cornish pasties, hot dogs and pizza. off the train and i'm hit by the divine fragant calling of the fish and chip shop (so hard to resist!) and i turn the corner into the enticing wafts from the noodle bar. approaching home and one last struggle as i pass the italian cafe on the corner. phew. made it through all that temptation.

fast forward to today. this morning the train was very full. i was squished into a corner next to a woman having her breakfast of coffee and croissant and the smell of the croissant was positively nauseating. i don't know why, but i was so unbelievably turned off, the thought of ever eating a croissant/danish pastry again is so alien to me. amazing. then, on the way home as i passed the two indian restaurants i conjured up what it would really be like to eat some of my favourite dishes. all i could think of is how oily they'd be. the magic had gone. just like that. no longer appeals. wow. that's HUGE for me.

good job i found some amazing curry recipes on gone raw ;)

image credit: Indian thali at Jaipur, Milton Keynes by Scorpions and Centaurs on Flickr. attribution-non-commerical-sharealike.

day 58: backbreaking

backbreaking in that i've broken the back of this juicefeast. 7 weeks down, 5 to go. slightly disappointed that i don't seem to have the same verve and commitment that i can see in my juicebuddies. i'm looking forward to the end - i want to eat already. and not just prunes! so many people get past the first month and are on such a wonderful  trip that they just don't want to get off. not me. i'm still aching for yummy kale salad, drooling over lemon cookies and oh boy do i want lunch from rainforest cuisine asap pls thx.

also backbreaking is the work on 'the lotty' - our wonderful allotment. it's hard work clearing the weeds, building the shed, hauling mammoth bags of compost around. but we are both loving it! it's so exciting. 

yesterday we planted early potatoes - they'll be ready to eat in two months, and, yes, i will be cooking them and eating them! there are a few things we'll be growing which need cooking, but the vast majority will be raw-edible. the point is to feed ourselves, so we've chosen carefully. some stuff i'll make into chutney as christmas stocking-fillers for friends and family and i will give surplus away as it grows. i like sharing. we've got some small red onions to go in next week, and we're germinating tomatoes, herbs, and flowers around the house ready to plant out in a few weeks. we get the main bulk of the veg seeds arriving next week, so we'll be busy sowing, germinating and planting for the whole of may! we're going to have such a wonderful garden of eden. it's got to be the best hobby in the world ever. despite being covered in dirt, sweating, breaking my nails, getting scratched and bruised... it's still my favourite way to spend the weekend.

recovery mode

back to the juicefeast situation. so, i've somewhat recovered from my horrid midweek crisis. i've decided not to be so hard on myself, not to give up when i'm past halfway and since i've recovered - it seems - from the candida, thanks to all those lovely probiotics i'm taking, i'm choosing the easy option when i can and having my favourite fruit juice for breakfast and moving on to green for late morning-afternoon juices. much more palatable that way.

stats and stuff

i got weighed on saturday morning. i've lost a total of 25 pounds, which i'm happy about. i was a bit disheartened when the weight loss stagnated but it seems to have picked up again. i would like to lose another 15 pounds and i think it's possible to shift some, if not all, of that over the next five weeks. a fairly low fat raw diet and plenty of exercise will deal with the remaining few pounds.

i do find that my weight moves first and my body settles into the new shape in the following weeks. so even when i don't lose any/much weight on the scales, my clothes say i've lost mass somehow. i've dropped two dress sizes and my 'spare tyre' has gone. i'm liking what i see in the mirror :) i'm no longer fat. i'm still on the curvaceous side of slim, but this time last year even that seemed out of reach, so i've made great progress!

i had a colonic yesterday. the therapist congratulated me on my progress and encouraged me. she also said i'm getting a very clean colon - she was impressed with how it clean it was. hurray!

photo credit: before & after pics by YummyHubby

day 55: fallout

today was a vast improvement on yesterday. i received a timely subscription email which reminded me to transform the negative to positive, to stop fighting things i can't control and to let go of thoughts and feelings which don't serve me and to move on. that really helped me loosen up a bit when the woman's oversized bag was bashing into me as she practically pole-danced on the tube and when the old woman pushed her way onto the train without letting people get off first etc. ok, so i haven't nailed it yet, but i've started on the road to resolution for the daily commute stress bundle.

i didn't mention in amongst everything else yesterday, but i've got permanent neck and shoulder strain from lugging bottles of juice to work and fruit and veg from the supermarket. i did go shopping on the way home tonight but deliberately bought less than i thought i could cope with so i didn't add to the shoulder ache. plus i got a real bargain in the health food store which cheered me up :)

at work i forced myself to delegate. i spent about half an hour pulling a bunch of info together and passed it on to my admin assistant who dealt with two fairly mammoth tasks successfully, so that saved me about 5 hours work. i know i should be doing this anyway, but i often feel like it would be quicker if i did it, rather than go through the process of explaining, tidying up my notes to pass on, then having to check his work later and make the final tweaks etc. but hey, i'm learning to let go...

i had a mashed avocado for dinner tonight, with lemon juice, flax seed oil, salt and pepper and some sunflower sprouts. i just crave fats. what's a girl to do? my skin's still dry. on my face my wrinkles are really showing round my eyes, despite the two sets of moisturiser i'm using morning and night, and on the rest of my body my skin is kind of, um, not sure how to describe it. 'old' springs to mind! i'm skin brushing and taking msm and i did find my skin was much softer after a few weeks, but now it seems thin and papery and screaming out for internal moisture.

YummyHubby and I made some plans to get me some rest and he seems to have taken on the task of getting me to get ready for bed earlier. every bit helps.

i've got a sore throat. that started yesterday and definitely contributed to my meltdown when i thought i was going to get ill. but it hasn't got any worse today, so i might yet overcome it without it turning into anything major.

and i'm still tired. but then i've got a lot of catching up to do after the extreme sleep deficit of the past month. but i do feel a lot better today and i'm no longer on the verge of a breakdown. hopefully each day that passes will help me walk a step away from the precipice.

day 54: meltdown

note: written on day 55, the day after, with - i hope - a clearer perspective on things.

ok, so yesterday afternoon i hit rock bottom. well, i hope that was rock bottom. don't want to find out if there's further down to go...

it felt my world came tumbling down around me, i just Could Not Cope any longer.

for the past few days i've noticed i'm bright and breezy in the morning but by early afternoon i'm tired and by the time i get home i'm frankly exhausted and getting crabby. i hate being crabby (can you see the start of a vicious circle there?) then, because i'm tired, i sit down and don't move. by the time i haul my backside off the sofa to prep for the next day it's late. i know, totally counterproductive. if i prepped my veg and got clothes out, planned my moves etc, i'd have an easier morning. but i haven't been doing that. i've been going to bed late, getting up shockingly early and still managing to miss my train to work.

then there's the commute to and from work. it's not bad, as far as london commutes go, but there are a lot of mean, pushy people and i get bad tempered. then the trains have an odd schedule, where there are 3 i can catch all packed into the space of 15 minutes, then there's a half hour gap. so if i juuuust miss the last of the three then i have to stand on a cold, windy platform, surrounded by the smell of food, and watch a dozen trains that don't serve my route go past me. oh, and get pushed around by mean commuters.

then there's work. i'll start by saying i love my new job. i'm working with a bunch of people who i get on really well with, there's true affinity there. there's one guy who can be really unhelpful, but he doesn't mean to be, it's just a flaw in his approach to the chain of command, and i try to be forgiving and coax him along. but he rubbed me up the wrong way yesterday. but it's a mammoth task that i've been hired to do, with a zillion itty bitty things to pull together into a cohesive plan. now that's a loulou kind of challenge. but over the past couple of days i've felt like i've dropped a couple of balls and despite my project planning the whole thing is such a house of cards that it felt it was about to collapse into chaos yesterday... i forgot my old-time mantra of 'no one is going to die' and just felt panic, discomfort, disappointment etc welling up inside me.

then... i had to go via the supermarket to pick up more greens on the way home and by then i was past myself. i was ready to give up. call it a day. give up the juicefeast, that is. claw back some time to myself. regain my sanity. i got home and - i don't think i even said hello when i walked through the door -  just crumpled in a heap and poured it all out in one huge splurge to YummyHubby. he was fantastically helpful and thoughtful and we worked through lots of it. it's not over, but he said he's not letting me give in so easily.

i know this crisis is not over yet, but i feel like if i can get to the weekend and then give myself some space, some thinking time, do some yoga, refocus... then that might get me through a little while longer. 

and we're promised some "unseasonably warm" weather. sunshine is my number one mood-lifter, so, c'mon mini-heatwave. bring it on!

day 51: remiss

oh boy, i've been terribly remiss. life's kind of been busy lately and i've chosen to read all your blogs rather than write my own. just haven't had the wherewithal to keep up recently.

so, quick catch up before i head for a soothing bath before bedtime.

day 50 came and went. how amazing is that. way over the half way mark, now. i got weighed last week and had gained 3 pounds (monthly water retention, i'm guessing) but yesterday that had all gone along with another pound. so in total i've lost 22 pounds. i'm disappointed that my weight loss has plateaued as i had my mind set on losing 40 pounds. it's not like that's not doable - so many people have achieved that and more, so why shouldn't i. however, i haven't been doing any exercise, due to lack of time, so i guess that's why. this weekend's marathon digging session may have made up for missing my thrice-weekly run.

ben talked about cheating during his feastbreaking, and i guess i have 'cheated' too, though i prefer not to think in terms of cheating. so here's the thing. i felt i needed to eat something, i've also got dry skin, despite taking hemp oil/coconut oil (i know i'm not taking them often enough, but i find them hard to ingest, i have to say, they make me feel quite sick) i've also been picking at things i've been preparing. a nibble of cheese (i know!) while prepping YummyHubby's dinner, or a strawberry/slice of mango etc. so i decided to do it and get over it, to see if i could stop the incessant nagging in my head to have some 'real ' food. so, i mashed half an avocado with some garlic, lemon juice, salt and pepper. oh boy! it was divine. i ate very slowly, mindfully, relishing each tiny forkful.  it didn't upset my stomach or have any adverse effects at all, so i think i 'got away with it' as it were. i don't feel guilty about it. sort of disappointed that i know it is doable to not pick at food throughout the feast, but i also understand that what i'm doing is tough, and though i know it would be better for me to avoid eating anything at all, it's not such a big deal to eat two cherry tomatoes or a strawberry here and there. i mean, it's not like i'm going out for a curry. though tonight, after a day's gardening, i could see curry and beer as being the perfect end to the day. didn't happen, of course. i have parsley-romaine-apple-carrot-lemon juice instead. should have added some garam masala. heh.

this past week i went out with some ex-colleagues who haven't seen me for 7 weeks - i finished working there the day before i started the juicefeast. it was wonderful to see them all. plus they all, without fail, said i looked fabulous. three people said i was 'radiant' and 'glowing' - so, if you were ever in any doubt as to the amazing benefits of juicing, i am living, breathing proof :D oh that and my jeans so do not fit. luckily i have found two pairs of jeans i bought a year ago. they were too tight at the time. it was a kind of incentive to keep the weight down. and now they're comfy, a little on the loose side, but don't make me look like a total scruffbag which my usual jeans do. hurray!

i'll be posting about our allotment adventures on my other blog, so once i've put something together i shall let you all know.

keep it juicy!

day 43: achieving the impossible - being present

if you read this blog regularly you'll already know this, but just in case...

when a person embraces a raw lifestyle or embarks upon a 3-month juicefeast, there are bound to be changes. yes, they'll lose weight. yes, they'll get healthier. yes, they'll cure some old ailments and improve the general state of their physical wellbeing. but they'll also see non-physical changes.

now, i've been where you are - at least in relation to raw foods/juicefeasting - in that i've been a standard, albeit vegetarian, eater for most of my life, so i know this causes eyebrows to raise. it's raised mine on multiple occasions. and even eating raw consistently for months at a time wasn't enough to shake off the disbelief when i read blogs or listened to podcasts of long-term raw foodists who claim an interconnectedness with the world, a spiritual awakening, a fundamental shift in their relationships with their environment and community. sounds far-fetched. but i'm starting to catch a glimpse of that on the juicefeast. i am also trying various other approaches to being more grounded, 'in the present' and i am open to feeling the glow others talk of. so, it's not just the food. or lack of it, right now.

so what's my current status? i have managed to get and stay, briefly, in a great place. but it needs more work to make it permanent. i felt kind of untethered. sort of like i could just float through everything - not like a ghost, but i didn't feel anchored to my past or pinning all my hopes on the future. i was just there, with what was going on around me. how crazy's that? it's very calming, i can tell you that. stress doesn't get to take over once you get rid of everything other than what's right in front of you. it was very cool. i enjoyed it. and chuffed i got there, even if briefly :)

day 40: gobsmacked

i made it to day 40. can you say momentous?

so many times on this epic journey have i thought i wouldn't make it, i'd give in before day 92. i have tried, very hard, to remove the temptation wherever possible - like not having prunes in the house, allowing myself the tiniest nibble of something as a 'treat' so i got the taste but didn't feel compelled to stuff the lot down my throat in one go. so i'm claiming a victory here. my methods have worked. for me, that is. you may need different motivators.

i'm looking forward to getting over the hill. midway on the fast is less than a week away, and a week from now i'll officially be on the home straight. i read ben's post with interest. he's got to the stage now where he's nervous about finishing the feast and starting to eat solid food again. bizarre how these things affect you.

today i've had lots of greens. i've gone off cabbagey greens, especially in juice that i'm not drinking right away. but i do have a soft spot for chard. yum. so i'm doing lots and lots of spinach and lettuces of various types. i've also gone off pears, they oxidise too quickly. i find i return again and again to cucumber, mint, apple and oranges to pad out my greens, with the odd pure pineapple juice as a real treat.

i can feel how much weight i've lost. it's not actually a vast amount in pounds (20 of them have been given their marching orders) but i can see my waist clearly, my tummy's flatter, my bras are a tad too big, my face is slimmer, cheekbones more prominent and firm. all great stuff.

i'm still on a relative high, with positive energy and optimism, and right now i feel like i'll make it to day 92. i'm not saying i won't have some more tough days in the next 50 days, i'm sure i will, but right now it feels achievable, so i'm hanging onto that state of mind.

to all my raw/ juice buddies out there: you are all amazing. thank you so much for your loving support.

juice on!

photo credit: YummyHubby

inspiral lounge

on saturday night we went to the inspiral lounge for dinner. my first impressions were that it was smaller and less groovy than i'd anticipated. having read suki's raving reports of it, i'd expected somewhere much more, hmm, not sure, maybe slick? they said they'd had a really busy evening, so perhaps they didn't get round to turning the lights down, setting out the candles and creating an evening ambience. we'd reserved a table as so many of us were going, but they didn't have that ready and i was soooo disappointed, until who i presume is the manageress appeared and sorted it out. so we got the booth downstairs, with low lighting and some music, and she was lovely. the staff seemed a little frazzled at the influx of people, and i think there's just not enough space to fit in more staff, yet the traffic in there and the labour-intense juicing, definitely requires more staff.

also, i have to say that they really tried to fob me off with a smoothie instead of juice, as the smoothies were pre-made in jugs, while the juices had to be made to order. when someone else in our group went to the bar for drinks he came back with a smoothie even though he asked for a juice. i get that they're busy, but come on. don't give people smoothies in place of juice!

personally, i thought the music was too loud for somewhere that doesn't have a dancefloor. it was good music though, and had me shimmying in my seat whilst straining to hear people over the top of it. the food looked great and everyone who ate there really liked what they had. they mostly had cooked food, with just a smidgen of raw, so i said they were all wimps ;) but we bought a plate of chocolate balls (raw, superfood chocolate truffles - i wondered if suki xocolati had a hand in that?) and i persuaded YummyHubby to let me have a nibble of his - it was lovely!

i will go back, probably during the day, for raw lunch, but at night - a saturday night, at that - i found it a little overpowering. i was really looking forward to it and desperately hoping that everyone else would like it - after a half hour tube ride - that it did have a lot of expectations to fulfill! once i'm off my juicefeast i might also consider suki & joel's tuesday night cacao bliss events, as i just know the vibe will be totally different :D

facts and figures:

nearest tube: camden

website: www.inspiralled.net

days 34-39

long time, no see, juicebuddies!

it's been busy. i've tried to keep up with everyone's blogs, but that has to be squeezed in along with everything else these days. this week i was drooling over heathy's pot pie, terilynn's fritters, and shannon marie's muffins. i was so encouraged by the article terilynn linked to in a local newspaper about three journos going raw for 30 days, and have been following the blog since. and ben made me laugh - thanks to all of you. you make my day :)

so, how've i been doing? first, a humble moment, i'm so grateful to know that what i write here is read by people out there in the big, wide world. people actually want to know how i'm doing. that is such an awesome feeling. you guys, my 'juice buddies' care about my progress enough to stop by - taking a chunk out of your busy schedules - to spend time caring about me. awesome! thank you so much.

so, back to our regularly scheduled programming. i've been physically much better. i've still had some embarrassingly loud gurgles but i've had no headaches over the past few days and i've had enough physical and mental energy to get through the day. i had a couple of unpleasant emotional moments, though, at the end of last week and i can only assume that i hit some kind of deep emotional detox. i woke up on thursday and friday with a mammoth black cloud hanging over my head. talked it through with YummyHubby, thanked him for, as ever, being there to help me along, and he said he can cope with my moods, he just wants whatever's best for me. but i acknowledge it must be tough to have me on this emotional rollercoaster. brief moments of elation and long hours of misery. i don't know where the misery came from, and i was gearing myself for sitting down and having a poke around in my head and heart to sort things out. it seems, though, that despite a heavy-going weekend, i've released whatever was, as i'm now back to being fairly consistently upbeat. which is fab!

i admit there have been a couple of times when i've seriously considered quitting. i've thought long and hard - not just because i can smell coffee and toast (which, actually, no longer tempts me! so bad example, but anyway, a craving) but because i was getting so many headaches, and then they cleared up and i started getting these black clouds in their place. neither of those situations make daily life exactly easy. ok, so headaches suck, but if they get too bad i relent, i take some strong painkillers and get to bed as soon as i can. but a depressed mood, short temper and loss of interest in everything takes its toll on those around me and i don't want YummyHubby to suffer that. and so i asked myself: is it time? have i come as far as i can on this journey? so, since i don't have any prunes, i'm always ready to keep going until tomorrow to see what that brings. luckily, tomorrow generally brings some relief.

ugh. you read this far? you deserve a medal!

so, i've increased my daily juice intake. i'm managing between 3 and 4 litres (roughly same as quarts) and trying hard to keep that mostly veggies, with plenty of greens and i have been feeling so much better these last few days. coincidence? who knows.

i still want this to get easier. no kidding. the buying produce, storing it all, preparing it, scrubbing celery and peeling oranges, making juice, cleaning up, carrying it around with me... it's a never-ending cycle. but at least i've achieved the ultimatum i set myself of feeling physically and emotionally positive for three days in a row. hurray :)

i've got another two posts half-ready, which i'll put up tomorrow or thursday. in the meantime, keep it juicy xxx

image credit: YummyHubby created this south park avatar for me. aren't i cute?

day 32: spring

today was an improvement on yesterday. i had a headache, but much lighter than i've been getting, and coped it with it reasonably well. spent the morning quite focussed and got through lots of work. i started flagging in the afternoon, though, and am looking forward to an early night.

YummyHubby and i had a chat last night about me either giving up on the juicefeast or getting my act together so i can continue it. he thinks i should keep going and offered to not eat dinner at all so i don't suffer the tempting smells etc. they haven't been bothering me as much as at the start though today's special temptation was sweet chilli noodles from the noodle bar i pass on my way home from work.

thank you to all you lovely people who left a comment on yesterday's post; besides encouraging me to keep at it you've also made me think - again - about how i can get more juices in. it's possible that i'm feeling so rough, consistently, because i'm not drinking enough and i've gone into fasting mode. but i have juicefasted before and i don't remember having such a bad time of it this far in. realistically, i don't know how i can drink more. i'm not hungry, and when i do occasionally get hungry, i don't enjoy the juice. i'm trying to drink mostly green juice but i just don't like it. i drink it slowly because it's not enjoyable. it's a chore. now if i could drink pineapple juice all day, well that wouldn't be a problem. i could drink a gallon of the stuff. or orange-apple-carrot-ginger juice. but celery and greens don't do it for me. i've tried adding stuff; salt, cayenne, lemon, but it still doesn't work for me. perhaps next on the list is to try adding my greens to juices i like, so they're partly masked by the fruit, but i do need to cut down on the fruit because of the dreaded candida. oh, what to do, what to do...

today i had:

0.5l melon juice

1.25l cucumber-celery-spinach-parsley-lime-pear juice

0.5l tomato-basil-parsley-garlic-lemon juice with pinch salt

herbal teas with honey

on a much more upbeat note, it's definitely spring now. the trees are blossoming like nobody's business and it's wonderful walking home in the last rays of the sun, plus it's not quite so cold now. roll on summer! with the nights being lighter i should be able to go for a run after work soon, so i don't have to try to fit that in before work (along with the extra hour and a half a day for making juice/enemas) and i'm looking forward to shrugging off a couple of layers and getting some vitamin d.

photo credit: "spring signs" by cuellar. please respect the creative commons licence: attribution, non-commercial.

day 31: must try harder

today's been another mixed up day. it started off well, then i got a headache, then a bit of an upset stomach, then i felt great for an hour and now i'm tired, washed out and craving food. i haven't been hungry for a few days but i was so tempted by the smell coming from the two indian restaurants i walk past on the way home from work (more on that in another post) but knowing that even if i decided today to break my feast i still couldn't have a curry made it easier to keep walking.

on the way home it was bright and the last rays of the sun made me smile, but i still did consider, very seriously, calling it a day. i'm fed up of the headaches, i'm fed up of not feeling great most of the time - though i feel truly amazing at times, it's always for short periods. and i want food. i'm still fixated on kale & avocado salad, currently it's the black olives that are the most tempting. 

the thought of having to admit defeat will keep me going for a while but i tell you, i really want less crappy, detox days, and fast, or i'm checking out of the juicefeast motel.

today i had:

1l msm-lemon water

1.75l celery-spinach-chinese leaf-broccoli-apple juice with pinch salt

0.75l carrot-orange-strawberry-raspberry-pear juice

various herbal teas with honey

1 tbsp hemp oil

day 30: woohoo!

first up, congratulations to everyone who joins me on day 30 of the global juicefeast. high-fives! and to those of you who are now winding down and about to eat your feast-breaking prunes, well done and i hope that the raw meals you have planned over the next few days area utterly delicious. i am so jonesing for karen knowler's kale & avocado salad. mmmmm. only another 62 days to go...

today was a mixed up kind of day. we slept in a little according to the clock as the clocks went forward last night and the UK is now in daylight savings or, as we brits know it, british summer time. YummyHubby had a bacon sarnie while i made my juices for the day. then we went out shopping for more greens, with the intention of going for a run when we got back. but i felt unwell. i felt sick and weak. i made some peppermint tea and snoozed on the sofa under the throw instead of getting some exercise. i had so much planned for today and i just didn't get it done. so disappointing. and after feeling great all day yesterday, with lots of energy, it's a shame i've come right back down again. i remember katrina saying in her blog at the start of the juicefeast that she alternates a high-energy day with a low-energy day but i figured i should be over that by now. i could do with a few days in a row of feeling awesome to buck me up a little.

today i had:
1l msm-lemon water
0.5l melon juice
1l cucumber-mint-spinach-romaine-carrot-apple juice
1 tbsp bee pollen
1 tsp nature's living superfood
1 tsp ground zeolite
1 tbsp hemp oil
pinch salt
probiotics

on a brighter note, it sounds like the wlir nyc crew and lots of my raw/juicy twitter buddies had an amaaaazing successfully raw weekend, dancing away until the wee small hours. wish i could've been there to see them all. maybe i'll make it to raw spirit this year... (just throwing that one out there, see if the universe hears me...)

and so ends another weekend. have a wonderful week, all.

photo credit: thanks to ksilvennoinen. see the original on flickr.

day 25: water

today's goodness:
1l msm-lemon water
2l celery-cucumber-swiss chard-watercress-carrot-apple-grape-pear juice
0.5l pineapple juice
1 tsp zeolite
1 tsp nature's living superfood
1 tbsp hemp oil
various herbal teas with honey

woke up and then leapt for my clock in a panic. it was so sunny in the bedroom that i thought i must've slept in. but no... there were another 2 minutes before the alarm was due to go off. it was just absurdly sunny this morning. 

had time to do everything this morning and go for my train without dashing, which is such a vastly improved way of starting the day compared to my usual flustered, headless chicken mornings.

i set myself the goal today of drinking a glass of water every hour, on the hour, while at work, so today i managed to drink - excluding morning msm water - 4l water. not bad. will keep going with this, makes sense to drink as much water as i can, seeing as i can't manage the full quota of juice.

had time to do some yoga this evening which was great. if i'm organised i can fit everything in!

i'm exhausted, eyelids are closing. sorry, no images today, must sleep....

day 23: futureproofing

one of the biggest things i want to tackle by doing this juicefeast is my yo-yoing with raw foods. i know there's something going on which is somehow stopping me from that full commitment that i crave, and i've been working on this on and off over the past year. i call this self-sabotage.

 

here's something i started writing a few days ago in an attempt to get to the bottom of things:

why would i not want to fully commit to a raw lifestyle? it's obvious to me that it would be so much easier if i wasn't holding myself back just a tiny bit. so why am i sabotaging myself? all this yo-yoing back and forth, never really letting myself get the full benefit. as soon as i started feeling better i'd 'lapse' and start having cooked food now and again until eventually i was eating more cooked than raw. then i'd get ill... and off i'd go again. the byron katie video on juicefeasting.com plus something i was reading on EFT recently took me back to some work i did last year with karen knowler around this whole thing. we managed to get started on my hidden reasons for not wanting to fully embrace raw and when i dug down hard enough it appeared to be fear of change. what if, on a raw diet i undergo the kind of transformation i've seen so many raw fooders go through, and what i have, the life i lead, is no longer enough for me. what if it means i have to radically rethink my current life? but with no idea of what i'd do or where i'd live or how i'd earn money, the whole prospect is, to me at least, terrifying. yet i'm starting to see how this wouldn't happen overnight. it'd be a gradual change, working towards something new, and i'd have time to work it all out. that isn't something to be scared of.

i carried on for a while after that but you'd have to know a lot more about me any my life to understand it, but hopefully there's enough info for you to get the picture.

i've since found a few other people, posting on the globaljuicefeast.com forums, who seem to be in a very similar position of going through the "determined to go raw" followed by "self-sabotage" cycle.

and i don't have the answer; far from it. but i do know that it's time, now that the juicing part of this thing is pretty much taking care of itself, to start on the emotional reasons for undertaking this juicefeast.

i want to come out the other end with no desires for cooked food. i want to hear what my body is telling me it needs rather than allowing a craving to shout louder and therefore get more attention. at present, i don't know how to differentiate between the two.

but i read a blog post yesterday which really got me thinking. it won't just be automatic. you have to work it out. and this juicefeast may not be the panacea i hope it will be.

hanlie says:

I realized as I was reading Michelle’s post that I had regarded juice feasting as my “magic bullet”. It was supposed to cure my addiction to fast food. It was supposed to be my “pass” into a healthier diet.

The truth is that I still have to fight the temptation to eat the things I have previously been addicted to.

aha. this is where i got to when my heart sank. as i read the words i knew she was right.

But making good choices has become a habit that will stand me in good stead when I eat solid food again. It has become easier for me to consider what my body needs and wants. Starting solid food will be starting a new cycle of transition. And with the confidence and wisdom that I’ve gained while juice feasting, I know that it will be a challenging, yet rewarding cycle. I can do it! I may not make the best choices 100% of the time, but I’ll be grateful for 90% and keep working on the deficit!

ok, so i need to learn to live with that instead. right now, it doesn't feel like enough. but you know, i'm only at day 23. there's still time to work through this. but i acknowledge i need to give time to it. need to sit and think about it, challenge myself and find a way to make this work for me. forever. not just until the first hurdle.

today i consumed:

0.5l msm-lemon water
1l romaine-celery-cucumber-ginger-plum-alfalfa & broccoli sprouts juice
1l carrot-orange-mixed greens-ginger-plum juice
various herbal teas with honey
1 tbsp bee pollen
coconut oil
'thai soup' tea (ginger-lemongrass-garlic-chilli-turmeric-salt in hot water)

all the images were taken this morning, of the beautiful daffodils YummyHubby chose at the supermarket.

day 22: stats

and week four begins.

weekly stats:
weight loss 14lbs. hurray! (to my american friends: that's a stone so for me that's a real milestone in weightloss terms.)
ph 7.0-7.25 (which is great!)

it's odd. i don't feel like i haven't eaten for three weeks. i don't really feel any different today to how i was feeling the week before the juicefeast started. i'm still wanting to eat. having cravings for everything i see and smell. getting headaches and horrendous tummy gurgling. not really where i was hoping to be by now and i was feeling a bit down about it. so, i did what i always do and i talked to YummyHubby about it. i went through my reasons for doing this and also said that despite the odd energy peak and moments of euphoria - which i'm not knocking, it's fabulous! - i don't really have that fabby go! go! go! thing going on, and that's a little bit disappointing. but... i'll stick with it. i know i'll get there in the end. and as YummyHubby pointed out, it can't be a bad thing to still feel bouncy at 6pm when the rest of the people on the same train are looking like zombies. so perhaps i haven't quite reached ecstatic bliss and exuberant energy, but damn it, i'm feeling better than most of the world looks.

the photo is of my three bottles to take to work. i know the arguments about aluminium but siggs are lined and they guarantee 0.00% leaching. and three glass jars on a busy tube in the morning just isn't my idea of safe. the one glass bottle scares me enough. they add up (if they're all full, and they usually are) to 2.2 litres, which along with the pint i drink while i'm cleaning up from juicing, is a total of 2.8 quarts. there are days when i get through it all, and i might make another juice when i get home for 'dinner' - but there are lots of days when i bring one of the bottles back home with me to finish at dinnertime. just not enough.

i do worry that i'm not feeling the energy/bliss because i'm not getting enough juice but i can't see how i can make or consume any more right now. i'm hoping my desire for juice will increase, cos right now i have to make myself drink it, even when i make super yummy juices. i just can't take the volume. ho hum. this is loulou in frustrated mode. welcome, those of you who don't know me like this.

today i had:
0.5l msm-lemon water
1.5l kale-baby greens-spinach-romaine-celery-cucumber-carrot-mint-apple juice
0.5l pineapple-orange-raspberry juice
3 cups green tea
coconut-honey heart
1 tbsp bee pollen