day 54: meltdown

note: written on day 55, the day after, with - i hope - a clearer perspective on things.

ok, so yesterday afternoon i hit rock bottom. well, i hope that was rock bottom. don't want to find out if there's further down to go...

it felt my world came tumbling down around me, i just Could Not Cope any longer.

for the past few days i've noticed i'm bright and breezy in the morning but by early afternoon i'm tired and by the time i get home i'm frankly exhausted and getting crabby. i hate being crabby (can you see the start of a vicious circle there?) then, because i'm tired, i sit down and don't move. by the time i haul my backside off the sofa to prep for the next day it's late. i know, totally counterproductive. if i prepped my veg and got clothes out, planned my moves etc, i'd have an easier morning. but i haven't been doing that. i've been going to bed late, getting up shockingly early and still managing to miss my train to work.

then there's the commute to and from work. it's not bad, as far as london commutes go, but there are a lot of mean, pushy people and i get bad tempered. then the trains have an odd schedule, where there are 3 i can catch all packed into the space of 15 minutes, then there's a half hour gap. so if i juuuust miss the last of the three then i have to stand on a cold, windy platform, surrounded by the smell of food, and watch a dozen trains that don't serve my route go past me. oh, and get pushed around by mean commuters.

then there's work. i'll start by saying i love my new job. i'm working with a bunch of people who i get on really well with, there's true affinity there. there's one guy who can be really unhelpful, but he doesn't mean to be, it's just a flaw in his approach to the chain of command, and i try to be forgiving and coax him along. but he rubbed me up the wrong way yesterday. but it's a mammoth task that i've been hired to do, with a zillion itty bitty things to pull together into a cohesive plan. now that's a loulou kind of challenge. but over the past couple of days i've felt like i've dropped a couple of balls and despite my project planning the whole thing is such a house of cards that it felt it was about to collapse into chaos yesterday... i forgot my old-time mantra of 'no one is going to die' and just felt panic, discomfort, disappointment etc welling up inside me.

then... i had to go via the supermarket to pick up more greens on the way home and by then i was past myself. i was ready to give up. call it a day. give up the juicefeast, that is. claw back some time to myself. regain my sanity. i got home and - i don't think i even said hello when i walked through the door -  just crumpled in a heap and poured it all out in one huge splurge to YummyHubby. he was fantastically helpful and thoughtful and we worked through lots of it. it's not over, but he said he's not letting me give in so easily.

i know this crisis is not over yet, but i feel like if i can get to the weekend and then give myself some space, some thinking time, do some yoga, refocus... then that might get me through a little while longer. 

and we're promised some "unseasonably warm" weather. sunshine is my number one mood-lifter, so, c'mon mini-heatwave. bring it on!