day 23: futureproofing

one of the biggest things i want to tackle by doing this juicefeast is my yo-yoing with raw foods. i know there's something going on which is somehow stopping me from that full commitment that i crave, and i've been working on this on and off over the past year. i call this self-sabotage.

 

here's something i started writing a few days ago in an attempt to get to the bottom of things:

why would i not want to fully commit to a raw lifestyle? it's obvious to me that it would be so much easier if i wasn't holding myself back just a tiny bit. so why am i sabotaging myself? all this yo-yoing back and forth, never really letting myself get the full benefit. as soon as i started feeling better i'd 'lapse' and start having cooked food now and again until eventually i was eating more cooked than raw. then i'd get ill... and off i'd go again. the byron katie video on juicefeasting.com plus something i was reading on EFT recently took me back to some work i did last year with karen knowler around this whole thing. we managed to get started on my hidden reasons for not wanting to fully embrace raw and when i dug down hard enough it appeared to be fear of change. what if, on a raw diet i undergo the kind of transformation i've seen so many raw fooders go through, and what i have, the life i lead, is no longer enough for me. what if it means i have to radically rethink my current life? but with no idea of what i'd do or where i'd live or how i'd earn money, the whole prospect is, to me at least, terrifying. yet i'm starting to see how this wouldn't happen overnight. it'd be a gradual change, working towards something new, and i'd have time to work it all out. that isn't something to be scared of.

i carried on for a while after that but you'd have to know a lot more about me any my life to understand it, but hopefully there's enough info for you to get the picture.

i've since found a few other people, posting on the globaljuicefeast.com forums, who seem to be in a very similar position of going through the "determined to go raw" followed by "self-sabotage" cycle.

and i don't have the answer; far from it. but i do know that it's time, now that the juicing part of this thing is pretty much taking care of itself, to start on the emotional reasons for undertaking this juicefeast.

i want to come out the other end with no desires for cooked food. i want to hear what my body is telling me it needs rather than allowing a craving to shout louder and therefore get more attention. at present, i don't know how to differentiate between the two.

but i read a blog post yesterday which really got me thinking. it won't just be automatic. you have to work it out. and this juicefeast may not be the panacea i hope it will be.

hanlie says:

I realized as I was reading Michelle’s post that I had regarded juice feasting as my “magic bullet”. It was supposed to cure my addiction to fast food. It was supposed to be my “pass” into a healthier diet.

The truth is that I still have to fight the temptation to eat the things I have previously been addicted to.

aha. this is where i got to when my heart sank. as i read the words i knew she was right.

But making good choices has become a habit that will stand me in good stead when I eat solid food again. It has become easier for me to consider what my body needs and wants. Starting solid food will be starting a new cycle of transition. And with the confidence and wisdom that I’ve gained while juice feasting, I know that it will be a challenging, yet rewarding cycle. I can do it! I may not make the best choices 100% of the time, but I’ll be grateful for 90% and keep working on the deficit!

ok, so i need to learn to live with that instead. right now, it doesn't feel like enough. but you know, i'm only at day 23. there's still time to work through this. but i acknowledge i need to give time to it. need to sit and think about it, challenge myself and find a way to make this work for me. forever. not just until the first hurdle.

today i consumed:

0.5l msm-lemon water
1l romaine-celery-cucumber-ginger-plum-alfalfa & broccoli sprouts juice
1l carrot-orange-mixed greens-ginger-plum juice
various herbal teas with honey
1 tbsp bee pollen
coconut oil
'thai soup' tea (ginger-lemongrass-garlic-chilli-turmeric-salt in hot water)

all the images were taken this morning, of the beautiful daffodils YummyHubby chose at the supermarket.